DAILY MONSTER 145
Good morning. How’s your week so far? I had a less than ideal Monday — lots of operator error on my part, with a light dusting of static — but what can you do? I’m told that Mercury is in retrograde, and doesn’t that explain it? But I got to finish out the day by reading your excellent stories for Monster 144, and there was much to smile at. We’ve got returning champions and also a few impressive first timers. Please take a look and leave them a note to tell them what you think:
Are you ready for Monster 145?
What, what, what is Monster 145 looking at? Does he eat everything he sees? Do the eyes stay clustered like that? Are they independent of each other? Why are they mounted as they are? And what’s with the pants / no shirt look? Are we witnessing a moment? Or a committed fashion statement? I’d love to hear what you think! If you can fit a few fantastic minutes into your day, please…
Right now I’m cashing out for the night, but I can’t wait
to see what you come up with for our strange new friend 145.
Have a great Tuesday! Please remember that 344 LOVES YOU
it looks a little bit scary. it’s because it should chase away the cold wintertime. the truth is it’s a real flower-power-spring-monster. it loves flowers, and of course it’s a vegetarian one. no danger al all!
it’s official clothes; only a hide and seek.
George always loved experimenting. He never was too shy to try out the latest hairdos and also he had been the first monster of the neighborhood to dye his skin in a striking green. At first, many other monsters he met on the streets laughed at him. However, after he was displayed on the cover of the “Fashionable Monster”-magazine, the people even tried to copy him.
Today, George walked into town to get his food for dinner – a nice, big Stegosaurus steak, some assorted potatoes and a cauliflower. That would do, he thought and grinned to himself. The crowd bustling beside him didn’t take much notice of him, except for his newly styled beard. This one had been an accident, actually. He had tripped in the bathroom after taking a shower. The electric outlet was just there by coincidence.
After buying the potatoes and some very good steak, he went to purchase a cauliflower. When he saw the big, delicious looking vegetable, however, he also had another idea besides making dinner. So he bought two of them and went home.
The day after, the mooster (a mix of MOOSe and roosTER)almost fell from the haystack when he saw George walking out of his house. Instead of the nice pattern his eight eyes always had, they were suddenly lumped together – much like he had put a cauliflower beneath it.
Ah, now those may look like eyes – but they are in fact radar dishes facing in all directions. This creature doesn’t see – he ‘detects’! And right now he is attempting to detect his sausage dinner, which a small dog ran off with.
poor monster. three months without NBC’s “Must See TV” has really messed with his eyes. This monster was once a beautiful monster (ok- maybe not to humans, but to other monsters he was awesome) with two of the most beautiful perfectly symmetrical monster eyes. He was the envy of the monster world. Every thursday, after a hard day of lurking in dark creepy places, he would sit down on his lovely Design Within Reach Sofa, dirty martini in creepy monster appendage and tune into his favorite shows. But one dark November day, he noticed his favorite shows went into re-runs. OH NO! The Writer’s guild had gone on strike because the network was screwing them over! What to do! Luckily, the monster was Ok with the strike. Anyways, he had missed a couple of My Name is Earl episodes so it was a good time to catch up on what he had missed earlier in the season. Once the monster caught up with all the shows he had missed, he started to panic. There were no fresh new TV programs on basic TV.
Rumor had it the the writers guild was going to strike for as long as it took to get what they wanted! The monster had no choice, but to subscribe to Direct TV (thats how the monster can afford his Design Within Reach furniture, by not subscribing to cable). The monster was amazed at what he saw on cable. He was especially surprised and dumbstruck by reality television. So much to watch so little time. Instead of watching television just on Thursdays, he started watching it daily. But there were so many shows to watch…the Hills on MTV, Bad Girls Club. So many shows, so little time. So the monster started skipping work to watch every reality TV program on cable. Eventually he got fired from his lurking job, but he didn’t care. He needed to see what was going on with his reality TV family. His TV watching got so out of hand that he bought 100 TV sets, so he could watch all his favorite shows simultaneously. But its hard to watch 100 TV sets with two perfectly symmetrical eyes. So in a fit of desperation and insanity, the monster drove to San Diego and broke into the San Onofre nuclear power plant. He had heard that if he ate the plutonium at the plant he would grow 98 extra eyes. He ate the plutonium and grew extra eyes. Unfortunately it was not the 98 he wanted, and to make matters worse he now could only see in the dark. The monster went insane, and now lurks on Hollywood Blvd warning people of the evils of plutonium and reality television.
Greta told me that installing a magnet in my eyeball would be a good idea. She said, “It helps with the eyestrain, Norman!” in that terribly whining yet still condescending way. Half of me wanted to believe her. Wouldn’t you? I mean, come on! You’ve got to know about the eyestrain. It’s awful!
But another part of me screamed almost violently (yet apparently just not loud enough) that it was a terrible idea. “So much could go wrong!” I heard from the deep recesses of my mind. Giving into the pressure from Greta and the temptation of having the eyestrain get better, I got the magnet installed.
Twelve hours in the operating room, six hours in recovery, $927 in fees that the insurance didn’t cover and $45 for pain medication. That’s what it took to get me home with my eyeball still not working right because it was covered in special gauze. And I had to make sure, according to the oh-so wonderful doctor, that I not mess with that gauze for fear of going blind, my eyeball falling off my head or even losing a kidney. (That kidney stuff didn’t make sense to me, but it’s what the Doctor said.)
Two weeks after the surgery I went for a check up. Everything was healed up and I could finally see. The eyestrain was much better and I was happy. That is until I walked into the clinic for my check-up and people suddenly started to scream in pain. As I looked around, eyeballs were flying at me at tremendous speeds. I ducked and dodged them as well as I could. Then as suddenly as the assault had started, it stopped. My eye felt …heavy. What the heck just happened?!
I slowly turned to the mirror in the clinic waiting room. I had more eyes then I should. Certainly more then I started the day with. I didn’t understand, until I looked down on the counter and saw a flyer that read: “2nd Annual Metal Eyeball Meeting! Come and share your story with others that have had eyeball replacement surgery. Learn new ways to care for your Metal Eyeball! Children Welcome!”
Eyeball magnet my foot. I should have just gotten reading glasses.
Orbowheezer Groumberg enjoys his time around the Retirement Home For Accidental Plumbers, and takes up his time staring at clouds for weeks on end. His custodian, the stodgy Nurse Brimbella, fusses at him about why doesn’t he come in from the rain, or how many birds must land on him before he realizes what a stick-in-the-mud he’s being, not joining in on the Marshmallow Island board game tournament with the other tittering tottering tenants.
His children and their families come and visit every holiday or so, and leave their various cards. Scenes of Marshmallow Island, and the characters involved. Seems Marshmallow Island is big this year.
His secret obsession is that he likes prunes. A lot. He wants an orchard, in fact. He’s saving the prune pits in the ceiling-tiles, and is collecting whole pocketfuls of them so he can disperse them outside when they think he’s watching the clouds.
‘Prunes are certainly neater than marshmallows’, he mutters, standing in the rain, to himself.
LOVE PEACE FREEDOM
Nie würde er jemandem ein Veilchen hauen. Sein Lebensmotto ist für die ganze Monsterwelt sichtbar. ¨
FLOWER POWER forever!!!