DAILY MONSTER 167 + 168



Good morning. How are you? Thank you for checking in on the monsters. Today is the finale of the month-long Return of the Daily Monster. To mark the occasion I'm posting not one, but two monsters for you.

But first, the big news of the day: THE BOOK HAS ARRIVED! Yesterday afternoon Amazon changed the status from pre-order to in stock and ready to ship! As a matter of fact, friend of the monsters Joerg M. of Chicago has received his copy, and Inanna's is on the way. If you've pre-ordered, your copies should find you very shortly. And if you've held back on ordering the book, because you're more of an instant gratification kind of person... Now is the time! You'll also be able to find the book at your local bookstore.

If you do see the book at a store and you're carrying your camera phone, please send me a picture, or post it to to the Monster Flickr group. I'd love to see the monsters out in the wild. Even more than that, I'd love to see a photo of you with the book! After all this time it would be great to have some faces to go with all your kind e-mails and brilliant stories. Only if you like, of course. Anonymity is nice, too. I'm just saying...

Thank you for being so patient waiting for the thing to percolate over the months. I hope that you'll see the book and feel that it was worth the wait.

OK. Alright. Yes! Let's get to what's important: Your stories! So much excellent stuff is coming in! You're just blowing my mind. You guys are strange and funny people and I love you for it:

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Now, please give a warm Daily Monster Welcome to Monsters 167 and 168:

As we've got two monsters today the first question is: Are they separate, or are they together. And if they are together, what's their relationship? Are they family? Are they a couple? Would they like to be together? Or are they merely posted next to each other by sheer coincidence? They both seem happy to be where they are.

One could hew to ancient advertising jingle wisdom and scoff "Why ask why?" But that kind of question obviates the need for storytelling, so I say Nuts to that! "Why?" is where the action is. And I do know that you live for action. (You do, don't you? :^) If you can sneak a few minutes, I hope you'll let me know what's going on with 167 and 168. Please...

Postyourstoryhere

The Daily Monsters will return on April 1st, but do stay tuned in the meantime, please! We'll have lots of cool stuff to look at between now and then. The monster mural will appear here on the blog in the next few days, the monster book launch party happens next Saturday, and I'm sure there'll be even more surprises this month.

Excuse me?
Did you... what's that?
Did I just hear you ask Why?
Because 344 LOVES YOU

23 Comments

  • Susanova
    5 March 2008 5:33 am

    Judging by the footgear, they’re sisters who love to check out the latest from Jimmy Choo and Manolo Blahnik!

  • 5 March 2008 6:27 am

    YAY! I got an e-mail today telling me that my book was sent. 😀

  • Zarafa101
    5 March 2008 6:54 am

    I think Monsters 167 and 168 are very fashionable girlfriends. I LUV their high-heeled shoes and boots! These monster gals are my kind of gals — since we all LUV shoes!!
    Zarafa101

  • kookycutter
    5 March 2008 9:17 am

    It’s girls night out. No guys allowed.

  • wonder_diva
    5 March 2008 9:52 am

    The monsters are inveterate (but not invertebrate) viewers of “Sex And The City” reruns. Monster 167 is most identified with the character Miranda, as evidenced by her minimalist nature and reddish-orange heels. She seems to feel rather incomplete without her Gucci clutch handbag in her little monster paws. Monster 168 believes herself to be the monster incarnation of the character Carrie, and hopes that her real-life monster version of Mr. Big will come to sweep her off her scaly little boot-clad feet very soon. In the meantime, she hopes that her monster drawing will grace the side of a bus.

  • H. Fitzpatrick
    5 March 2008 9:55 am

    Jacklyn and Joyce were two paticularly fashionable couins from the city. They got on exceedingly well together, except for a few minor upsets they had between eachother, the most famous of which was the incident involving the “Green Stockings”.
    Joyce, who was visiting Jacklyn one day decided she would slip on her newest pair of shoes. She had bought them only last week with Joyce, and although she didnt much like their bright orange nature, Joyce had convinced her to buy them as apparently “They went great with her eye”. Jacklyn had been unswayed by this comment until she saw the beautiful green stockings that came with the shoes.
    Well, she decided there that she must have those stockings, Ugly shoes or not. Anyway, this day, Jacklyn was visiting Joyce, and whilst she could find the shoes there was no sign of her new stockings. Having searched high and low, there was no sign of them and Jacklyn was now running late. Never one to be tardy, she abandoned her search disappointed and went out to visit Joyce.
    SHe met Joyce in their usuall cafe; “The Sunny-Side Up”. However, to her horror she saw Joyce wearing her new stockings. She asked Joyce about the stockings with a brilliant facade of friendliness she has perfected while she had worked as a Manicurist. Joyce told Jacklyn that she had recieved the stickings as a gift from her very best friend. Jacklyn, naturally, was heartbroken. They weren’t her socks, and she had found out the Joyce was no longer her best friend. She tried to picture a future without Joyce to go shopping with, but found she couldnt and instead broke down into tears.
    “My dear Jacklyn” sad Joyce “what the matter”
    “Today had just been terrible. Iv lost my new favorite stockings and now Iv found out that you have a new best friend”
    “But Jacklyn” Replied Joyce, consolingly “don’t you remember, you gaveme these socks last week, as a gift for buying those fabulous shoes for you!”
    “I don’t remember that at all” said Jacklyn
    “Well you wouldn’t have, you were far to excited at having found such a good pair of shoes to pay attention to what was happening”
    “Oh” said Jacklyn.
    And she and Joyce ordered a carrot cake and two Strawberry Milkshakes, which they enjoyed thouroughly, as two best friends, as two cousins.

  • 5 March 2008 10:20 am

    I have no time for stories today….because
    I’M READING THE BOOK!!! It’s in my hands at last! Oh my gosh. and it’s just gorgeous and wonderful and beautiful and such FUN!
    It was worth the wait, truly. I can’t even begin to impart how excited I am. *S*

  • heathers
    5 March 2008 11:57 am

    Happy Book Day Stefan! I’ll keep my eyes peeled for it!
    Just wondering why you didn’t tell us that the monsters have been chosen as Prada’s new shoe models?
    😉

  • Graymalkin
    5 March 2008 1:23 pm

    Two
    monster girlfriends
    sharing one passion.
    Shoes with giant heels.
    Fashion!
    Ein “Elfchen” für dich 😉 Hope you like poetry…

  • Doe
    5 March 2008 4:35 pm

    What. You don’t remember me? The chick with the tatoo on her beak? I’m recovering. So now I’m stepping out, thrilled with my new look. Who knew such joy could come from such tiny beginnings? As my dad used to say, Hey there my little squirt. And that’s just what I am. You like the shoes? Manolo? Are you kidding? These are vintage WarrenEdwards from the seventies. My mom wore them in college. When Bonni Raitt played in coffee houses in Cambridge for god’s sake. Which reminds her since we’re talking about the fact that I stole her shoes of when she heard Bonni one night, and after the show Bonni said I love your shirt is it from that thrift shop around the corner? (I mean come on who said vintage in those days what is this wine?) And my mom said yes and took it right off and handed it to her heroine Bonni who was very very happy with the gift. You know how those goddesses are. One day I will be one.

  • Doe
    5 March 2008 5:03 pm

    “168 here. Yeah, I hear you. Coming through loud and clear. Are we on? yeah, I know. I won’t look into the camera. I’m not lookin into the goddamn camera. Gawd those lights are bright is that really necessary? Right–no question. I have a very good practice. An excellent practice I’m flattered you want to interview me. Yeah I was in Hillary’s class at Wellesley. Of course I am a VERY BIG contributor. She has good taste in shoes. Not that you reporters ever look that far down. That would take some work. Some neck craning.
    You wanna know about things that happened A Long Time Ago? Waddaya think we are, fossils? You know, I have something to say to you girls. Me and Hillary. We have a message for you. You have no idea. No friggin idea. You think it was easy getting into medical school in those days? You think its easy now? You think it was easy getting those professors to stop hitting on me? You think they’ve stopped? Just because I wear my own kinda high tops, does that mean I want these guys coming onto me? All day it goes on. All day. I should make a rule: fathers do not bring children to their appointments. But what good would it do? the mothers are worse. I’m a professional.
    You think I’m talking to you about Bill? What, hey, sisterhood is powerful. No way. Not until she’s the nominee.
    Well anyway I showed those boys in med school. My practice is booming, boys. Booming. Its my eye for innovation. You know how many monsters want orthodontia? You know how bad they need me? Well, you can tell by my smile. That much. All those chicks, and their mothers. So don’t talk to me about the end of feminism. This is the fuckin beginning, boys. The beginning. With friends like me….
    I gotta go. My daughter’s got a hot date tonight. And I know she’s rummaging around in my closet. Of course. Does Mommy have the best stuff in the world? Who loves ya, baby. Ciao”

  • 5 March 2008 8:22 pm

    The TV show “Avengers” had its charms,
    Especially those clothes of Emma Peel’s.
    And, hence, One-Sixty-Eight throws back her arms
    And smiles in thigh-length boots with eight-inch heels.
    Her friend One-Sixty-Seven’s like an onion:
    She says, “What doesn’t kill us, makes us tougher,”
    And dons her cloggy shoes, despite the bunion,
    And corns and hammertoes from which she suffers.
    The law says, “No white shoes post-Labor Day.”
    That would not seem a problem with these two,
    Yet: one of them has filched the letter “A”
    From Bucher’s hand, and it is not clear who.
    Suspicious, then, we’ll click ‘replay’, until
    We get to see more monster clips in “PRIL”.

  • 6 March 2008 9:16 am

    *humming to myself*
    “one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over yoooouuuu”

  • Andu
    6 March 2008 10:07 am

    Personally, I think those two monsters have met while a competition of the best long-distance runners of their hometown…
    Marty felt a bit exhausted. After almost two days of constant running, he was almost surprised that he could sweat really everywhere. It felt like he had been dumped somewhat unceremoniously into a pool. But he had got what he had strived to get, what he deserved – the second place in the competition.
    The competition was an ancient tradition following some mysterious story that was told about a mortal monster, who was instructed by the gods to deliver an important message from Acheron to Lethe. The only problem was that those two villages were very distant from each other, almost three days of walking. So he had to run and he did. But running over cliffy mountains and through a forest better described as an impassable swamp, the heart beating so loud that he could hear every beat in his ears made the mortal pay a horrible price. After arriving at Lethe, he could only scream his message between gasping for air before he fell to the ground and passed away.
    Today, there were rarely dead runners found, but the occasional person who had overstrained himself with this long race still passed away. Marty shook his eyes as he stared at the medics who draped a blanket about the dead that the race had claimed this year. The monster placed third, a tall young woman named Christine, walked up to him and sighed.
    “How awful this is, isn’t it? The poor guy was trying so hard to be the best”, she said sadly.
    “Well, I don’t get it either. He was the best runner we ever had. You know as well as I do that he placed first in the last three years. It is almost as if he died just because he was so good.”, Marty replied while shrugging.
    Christine stared at him, with this certain This-is-not-funny-look, while the medics put the corpse into the hearse. The doors of the trunk closed with a loud, reverberating bang.

  • SpookyDeeCat
    6 March 2008 11:44 am

    Looking for a good time? Call 444-555-6666 for the sexiest talk with “Balinda” The most horrifying hoochy hooker ever to walk the streets. “Come here stranger and let ol bali make you scream into the dawn” she saids to the onlookers of the night. She holds on to no monster, for her treat is for the world to share. Drink up boys, but play nice.

  • jak
    6 March 2008 4:39 pm

    Ah, Grindle and Flo – fast friends and consummate performers, currently appearing in the so-far-off-Broadway-you-need-a-GPS-to-get-there version of Mamma Mia. Grindle, with her one roving eye, is Rosie and Flo is type-cast as Tanya, the three-time divorcee.
    The monstrettes are taking Lewis Spoon, Idaho by storm. With only two performances a week, the gals have lots of time on their hands, which they spend teaching disco moves to middle-aged farm wives and their husbands. Of course, the husbands only attend the lessons because 1) their wives insist, 2) they think they can use the moves on their twice-yearly trek to the big city of Tempermental Stream (pop. 4,412) (Where they always stop for a beer at The Pig’s End (after the livestock auction) and sometimes even put a quarter in the jukebox.)
    Little do the unsuspecting inhabitants of Lewis Spoon (or Flo) realize, but Grindle has fallen in love with the widower, McPhail and plans on leaving the troupe when their run is over.
    When Grindle tells Flo about McPhail, there’s an awful row. Feathers, fur and go-go boots fly! But, when Grindle suggests that Flo stick around Lewis Spoon, too – and the two of them open a dance studio for all the little Spoonites, they make up. It doesn’t hurt that McPhail’s cousin, Lumpy, is coming to town… and he’s a widower, too. Flo has been looking for number four.

  • GristleBean
    7 March 2008 5:18 pm

    Obloppet ran screaming with happiness up to the glittering podium, where Frev Vrenaldo, the gameshow host of ‘Gutter Glamour’ greeted her with a warm smile. The crowd cheered, and she could hear her sisters shrieking with sheer glee of it all.
    “Obloppet Yenglo, welcome welcome! Today you’ll be playing for THIS!’
    And the booming and gurgling disembodied voice of Raspy Announcier croaked:
    ‘The Whole World!’, and a poorly-painted graphic of a two-dimensional globe drops down from the ceiling on rubberband wire.
    Obloppet flung herself in the air like a spawning Northern dolphin-pug and purged all her extra energy out through her bulging-with-joy eyeball.
    Frev sauntered up to her and velveted out: ‘All you have to do, Obbly-pie, is knock down the runway models as they strut their stuff. Here’s a sack of golden bowlingballs. Get everyone of them knocked down in thirty-six seconds, and you’ll have a little place you can call home.’
    The audience tittered with laughter, then cheered and clapped for her.
    “Thirty-six seconds on the clock. Annnnd, go!’
    Trite house techno music started up, as the first model, not squeamish in any way about having bowlingballs flung at her, poised in long green stockings and even longer boots at the edge of the Gutter’s Gallery.
    Obloppet grabbed the fated golden bowlingball and flung it down the runway. That’s when the ball instead of rolling gained height, got off the ground, and the ‘incident’ happened.
    Miss Essica Zowrbo, Mildew-Weaving Queen of 2008, rest in peace…

  • 7 March 2008 11:03 pm

    The book arrived and it was packed nicely 🙂
    I can’t wait to get to reading it and watching the DVD! But may wait until I get that signature 😉 I’ll post a pic as soon as I can 😀

  • sue bebié
    8 March 2008 4:36 am

    what a wonderful couple, bernie the shoemaker with his wife stacy. they are very happy to be so close. bernie lives on the neck of his long-legged wife.a real symbiosis. there he slurps the sweet blood, whenever he can do so. bernie the shoemaker-tick needs this juice to color the pieces of leather for himself and for his magic fairy. not only organic food also organic footwear…

  • Nicole
    9 March 2008 10:30 am

    Helga called her devoted and loved pet Ragdon to her and they took off to fly with the stars and see what they could find for another day.

  • VolumeControl
    10 March 2008 12:01 am

    Nikki (Monster 168) is preparing for her grand finale signature dance move, which requires that her friend Nikolai (Monster 167)catch her with his elongated belly hairs. Unluckily for Nikki, Nikolai is too busy staring at the camera that’s about to catch the biggest blunder of a dance move ever.

  • 10 March 2008 4:17 pm

    The Complete Text pdf is 344 pages! As a fan of synergy, I thank you.

  • 18 March 2008 10:47 pm

    The line shuffled lazily as another customer finished up at the window. It was just another day at the bank. Except for the two new customers that had just arrived, of which no one really recognized. Fall Hollow was a small town and just about everyone knew all the residents of their fair hamlet. And these two were clearly not in Kansas anymore. Or wherever they came from.
    He swaggered in through the front like a majority stock holder; a grin covering half his face and a piercing, one-eyed gaze scanning the patrons. His lady travelled close behind, clacking her high-heeled boots on the tiled floors. They strode with purpose to the front of the line as they disregarded every customer who had been waiting for untold minutes for their turn with the teller. Many of the onlookers became very nervous, as did most of the other clerks when the teller watched a note get slid forward across the countertop. The bird-like gal stood guard behind her partner carefully watching the crowd.
    “Now, folks, don’t you worry none. You got nothin’ to fear from me and Jessy here. We can all just get along and everything will work out just fine. Ain’t that right, sweet tweet?”
    “Oh sure, baybee” she chirped. “We’s all gonna get along good.”
    The teller pulled a form of sorts out from behind the counter, scribbled something upon it and slid it back over the counter. It was snatched up quickly and studied with great interest.
    The lanky-legged lad looked back at the teller after reading the form, “I believe this’ll do. So… it’s a left on Fisk Street then a right on 26th, ya?”
    “Yes sir. That’ll take you into mom’s neighborhood. You’ll recognize the way from there. And next time you come home to visit – just call, bro. All this drama is a bit much for this small town.”

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